Dear Mother Earth

Show your mother some kindness…

This long overdue apology is sent with my sincerest regards. For a long time, you’ve taken much abuse. We’ve flushed our toilets into your rivers, filled your oceans with plastics, and poisoned your streams with pesticides. I’m aware of how much it would suck if the tables were turned.

I can’t say I’d be happy if your rivers backed up into my toilet, you dumped your ocean in my garbage can, or put your streams in my pesticides. You must admit you have a tendency to overdo the bugs. I understand that is no excuse for my kind to blast anything with more than two legs, wings, or compound eyes without considering how the poison affects all life. Frankly, I don’t use pesticides other than a fly swatter. Understand that if I could keep a toad perched on my shoulder to dispense of the annoying flying insects, I would.

My life would be wet, dank, and prone to mildew if you decided to seek revenge with water. I’d be forced to spend untold amounts of time cleaning which I’m not fond of at all. I understand you might not give a rat’s ass about my aversion to mop and bucket when my species has so robbed and soiled your house. We do have a tendency to put things wherever we please with nary a thought to cleaning up after ourselves. I’d especially like to apologize for humankind’s creation of blackened air, blackened bird, blackened fish, blackened estuaries and beaches, etc….

I can also see where you’d be pissed because we’ve eaten or abused some of your pets. In the case of the passenger pigeon and the Western black rhino, all of them. Although I never understood the quest for rhino horns, there are some who insist on snorting it in powdered form. This is the equivalent of snorting our fingernails since both are made of keratin.

Do these folks believe rhino horn would make them super cool like Batman or give them super human powers like Spiderman? I’ve never bumped into a Rhinoman on the street, or should I say Fingernailman?  You’d think with our larger brains, we’d think.

We are wasteful. Only a human would kill elephants for the white growths situated directly by their noses to make trinkets. We kill sharks, cut off a fin for soup, and toss the fish back into the ocean.

Mankind would never contemplate cutting off, snorting, or making a necklace from a growth from our own heads, say like an ear. At least, I don’t think we do. I’m sorry my kind has abused your pets for freakish, greedy, or simply asinine reasons.

Mankind also has a problem with abusing your body. We dig your bounty for fuel to go to jobs that do nothing for the progression of mankind. Instead, we seem hell bent on digging, fracking, and extracting all the little treasures God buried within you to produce plastic eyeballs so we can gross out our sister. We also seem hell bent on using up all these little treasures quickly with no thought towards replacements.

If I was given a ten pound box of chocolates and ate them in a day, I’d probably become sick too. There are those who believe that the waste, carbon dioxide, from our misuse of your treasures is not a primary contribution to your increased warming. There are those who believe you may be just going through the change and are experiencing hot flashes. These are probably the same people who believe your melting polar ice is caused by whale farts.

The fact is we trashed you, we continue to trash you, the way we choose to live by fracking, oil spills, and hairspray, trashes you. Don’t be too angry with us, Mother Earth. There are those of us who still love you and care about you. Please don’t singe us with lava or swirl us all away in a tornado or hurricane. Maybe with the exception of the whale fart believers, the rest of us would have a chance to make amends.

Published in Funny Times-July 2017

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