Good luck out there. You’ll need it…

As I sat to write a letter of resignation, I realized there may be a need for help in writing this letter. A proper letter of resignation requires an absence of snide remarks, sarcasm, and swear words. If your search for new employment requires a letter of recommendation from this previous company, your letter shouldn’t include the F-You clause. Unless, you’ve hit the lottery. Then, “Go for it.”

I understand there’re various reasons to leave your current work situation. One of those reasons may involve money. Mainly, you aren’t receiving a fair share. There’s a difference between frugal and cheap. Frugal is the company’s expectation of you doing something right the first time to avoid wasting resources to do the same task a second time. In this case, frugal is reasonable.

Cheap is expecting your employees to tilt their reusable water bottles to fill from a water fountain instead of from a water cooler because bottled water was deemed too expensive. Cheap is rewarding employees with fun size candy bars and free company samples instead of a monetary raise. Meanwhile, managers and CEOs fly across the country on a private jet.

As much as you want to start your letter with, “You cheap SOB…”, “This letter is to inform you that my last day at (company name) will be on (date)”, is a better opening line.

You may be seeking alternate employment due to the current company’s cut of full-time positions so they don’t have to offer benefits other than the fun size candy bars. Add “I’ve accepted another position and wish to give two weeks notice.” There’s no need to explain that the position you’ve accepted is writing resignation letter tutorials.

You may have been treated as a commodity like apples and oranges. Often a variety of fruit is asked for by name, Fuji, Valencia, but management fails to remember the names of the people who help them make money. In management’s defense, there may have been too many employees in and out of the company to keep track of names. This should reinforce your decision to leave.

Add, “I want to thank you for the privilege of serving (company name).” You can get away without using the manager’s personal name. One subtle dig won’t hurt.

It’s true that 70% of the population feel their jobs are sucking the life from them. The following are examples of how companies drain the living essence from their employees:

• Bulletin boards with umbrellas and raindrops to track employees’ merits. A construction paper bulletin board makes you feel like a valued employee instead of a preschooler.
• Name Yourself Day- Charts provided in break room to help find your hippie, leprechaun, or unicorn name, etc. Really, Buttercup Moonbeam or Sparkles O’Mulligan are easier to remember than Bob?
• Pretzel Day- A bag of rods, sticks, and traditional twists make a person feel renewed and special.
• Jelly Bean Day- Disregarding clearance candy, it’s fact that jelly beans improve workers’ focus and give meaningful significance to your job.

The line,” I’m grateful for the learning experience you and your staff have provided”, should follow. For extra measure add, “There’re good and fair people who serve this company. I was honored to cross paths with them.”

You did learn something. You learned that you don’t want to work for this company anymore. You learned the F-You clause is for lottery winners.

If you’re quitting because the company has brought in new people at higher pay rates than employees with years of service, the previous line about good and fair may be bullshit. Take a look at how government works and who runs it, CEOs. Good and fair? Write these words, good and fair. Remember them. Use them if you ever come into a position of power.

Thank them. Must I remind you? You’re not a lottery winner. “Thank you for the employment opportunity. I’ll miss sharing my days with the friends I’ve made.” Again, this may be a bullshit lie because your friends have already jumped ship. Go to confession or feel justified that penance has already been served by working in Hell.

Lastly, sign your letter, “Sincerely, Sparkles O”Mulligan”. Walk away with head held high, while reciting the F-You clause under your breath.

I hope this tutorial was helpful. I wish you luck. We’ll both need it.

Yours truly,

Buttercup Moonbeam

Published in Funny Times-January 2018