Hack This

May I suggest an honest job?…

You may be wondering why you’re getting this email, right? I’m a hacker who cracked your email months ago. Don’t try to find me, it’s impossible, I sent you this email from YOUR hacked account. I set up malware on the adult vids (porno) website you visited to have fun (you know what I mean).

While watching videos, I was given accessibility to your screen and web cam and obtained all information. What did I do? I backuped device. All files and contacts. I created a double screen video. The first part shows the video you were watching, and the second part shows the recording of your web cam. (you’ve got good taste, haha.)

What should you do? I believe $1000.00 is a fair price for our little secret. You’ll make payment by Bitcoin (if you don’t know this, search “how to buy Bitcoin” in Google). If I don’t get the Bitcoins, I’ll send out your video recording to all your contacts, relatives, coworkers, and so on.

Dear Haha-acker,

I’m not really good at keeping secrets. I’ve shown this letter to my boss. She believes that I haven’t visited a porn site where you hacked my work account.

In the future, you may want to research the accounts you supposedly hack and choose someone who makes more money. Also, our company works on a beggar budget. We sometimes rely on selling secondhand merchandise to raise money.

You do realize that the largest segment of the population who watch pornography are men. If, in fact, you did send this email through MY account, you might have noticed that the address was community/library/overdue. The majority of librarians are female.

I know these statistics lean toward stereotyping. In reality, targeting librarians with porn isn’t odds in your favor. To shame me in the face of coworkers, a video of me scarfing a secret stash of chocolate and not sharing would’ve been more effective, but not enough to hand over Bitcoin.

Anyhoo, I must warn you that most of my coworkers are grandma age. We do employ one young lady who has never uttered a swear word. If you shared my alleged porn addiction with them, you’d stand a chance of giving them all a heart attack. I’m sure the FBI would hunt you down and find you to face murder charges should any one of them die.

If you unleashed that porno site on the other librarians or the patrons from the overdue book account you hacked, I don’t believe you’d have better luck obtaining Bitcoin or overdue books from them either. Honestly, librarians work for the love of books.

As for the patrons, no matter how nice I ask, some people don’t return their books. I can say, without a doubt, porn in any form whether you try to shame them with it or hook them up to a site, won’t get a person to return overdue books.

For some patrons, I must decide to either cut my losses or turn their account over to a magistrate. In the off chance patrons might send you their overdue books, you can keep Always a Cowboy. Please send Home Canning 101 back to us or leave it in the overnight drop box. On second thought, please return Always a Cowboy. We can sell the book at our used book sale.

To sum this up, I believe you might want to rethink your job as an extortionist. Your target demographic is off (you know what I mean, librarians, sheesh.) You could stand to learn the basics of sentence structure and word choice too. I paraphrased most of your letter except for the run on sentence and “All files and contacts.” which is not a sentence. Backuped isn’t a word according to Mr. Webster. You can Google Mr. Webster (I’m sure you’ve no idea who he is, haha). You may also wish to review proper punctuation. My red pen bled all over your original letter.

Mostly, you come across as lazy. I suggest you find a real job that pays real cash. I feel you may starve seeking Bitcoin.

Thanks for an interesting Monday,

Your local librarians

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