Seven is the Deadliest Number That You’ll Ever Do

Bless me Father for I have sinned…

Oh, Dear, God,

Why seven deadly sins? Why not five or better yet, three? With only three deadly sins, I might have a chance of not crisping to toast in eternity’s version of Texas.

I know I’m unfair to Texas. I’ve never experienced Texas. My imagination of the state has given me a picture of a desolate, barren wasteland, that and cowboy movies. A vast land littered with sun bleached skulls, cows and cowboys always die horrible deaths in Texas.

Sorry about the digression. I felt the need to apologize for Texas.

Which of the three deadly sins would give me the best chance of an eternal beach vacation?

I find contentment without wanting to be a CEO or a politician and the sometimes (most times) unbridled greed for money and power that seem to be involved with those positions. Greed has potential. I might be able to trade off greed for salvation and a hut or even a hammock strung between two palm trees for eternity. I think I can lick greed.

Wrath, eh, not a huge problem either. Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord and all that jazz. Anger doesn’t serve me when I know whatever You’re dealing out will be better than anything I’d dream up. I’m cool with You dealing out vengeance or karma, whatever.

Pride, what the hell do I have to proud of to the point of sinfulness? (Yeah, I know, swearing.) Surely there’s no pride in my car. The car’s gone to Hell, not the literal Hell even though I spelled it that way. The car couldn’t even make it to Texas at this point. The generic chunk of metal leaks (more like spews) gas on the asphalt like it’s puking bourbon.

Does coveting a Jeep count as sinful if I only covet a vehicle on the car lot and not my neighbor’s Jeep? Really, I’d settle for any type of transportation even a cart pulled by goats. Then I’d need a few acres and a barn, but that’s bordering on greed, huh? Never mind.

What’s left? Lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth, ooh boy, those get a bit difficult. This admittance isn’t to say that I see myself as a sluttish (not a swear word, adjective), hoggish, sluggard who desires something someone else has.

Oh, the Jeep, shitake mushroom, covet is another word for envy. You also saw the two, not one, but two, candy bars for breakfast yesterday. As for lust, it’s not as if I’d want Hugh Jackman instead of my husband. I only admire Your handiwork of a man that sings and dances. Who would blame me for wanting that man to take me for a spin if there was ever a show called Dancing with the Nobodies?

Wasting my breath here, You know everything anyway. This is becoming rather aggravating. Let’s not focus on me right now because that’s rather prideful.

Anyway, why do You sometimes let a ruler embrace all seven deadly sins at once? All the deadliest in one person in power is deadly, duh. Sorry about the duh.

You’ve surely noticed that pride leads to narcissism and self worship and the thinking that these men in power think they are You. With this scenario, the rest of Your rules go to Texas on a nuclear warhead. Leaders are more interested in working their people to death. Honor of any kind means nothing to these men. The remainder of Your rules are interpreted as you shall (kill, commit adultery, bear false witness, and covet people and goods). Crazed men in power edit out the word “not”.

I know You know what You’re doing. Why scare us senseless, though? I should be grateful that deflection isn’t one of the seven.

That got out of hand, sorry. You’re not about to let me choose or negotiate for less than the seven sins, huh?

Well, I’m not lazy. I have one sin conquered. Wait, eternity in a hammock hanging like a sloth? My head hurts. Hope I didn’t give You a headache too, if that’s possible.

Hey, thanks for listening.

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