If there was magic…
I was conflicted when a woman came up to me and asked, “When is the blessed event?” I’d have thought she meant retirement if she wasn’t staring at my stomach.
I blamed excessive pounds on my ancestors who lived through wars and rationing. I also grew up with the misconception that I was of Irish decent. I, therefore, bore the potato famine gene. (I only wish I was Irish.) This background came down to the philosophy that in times of plenty, eat. Chocolate for breakfast was not responsible for my pot belly.
Being way beyond child bearing age, I chose to take the blessed event as a compliment that I looked young enough to bear children. I explained to the woman there wasn’t a munchkin only too much munching.
Having an apocalyptic ready body wasn’t healthy. That evening, I researched how to look young AND stay slim. To lose the equivalent weight of a food baby could take as little as five weeks or as much as five months.
One study observed youthful looking Japanese women with the longest life expectancies of 87 years. The women ate small portions, cooked fresh meals, drank green tea, ate seafood, practiced martial arts, and meditation. To an American, this meant no seconds, no takeout, no alcohol, no cheeseburgers, regular exercise, and a look inside yourself for improvement instead of blaming ancestors.
Next, I researched diets. The Ketogenic Diet stressed low carbohydrates and put your body into a fat burning state called ketosis. Ketosis was the state my daughter was in right before she was hospitalized and diagnosed with Type I diabetes. No way would I risk ketosis to make a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, geriatric edition.
The Mediterranean Diet suggested lifestyle changes more so than diet. Lifestyle changes meant you did it FOREVER. Mediterranean meant no chips, no cake, no hot dogs, no processed foods period. You ate from nature. You fished, grew plants, and gathered.
Most other diet plans were variations of throwing your body into a tizzy long enough to lose weight by forbidding certain foods, even healthy fruits and vegetables. Diet came down to an unhealthy quick fix or a lifestyle change. The right choice would be a blessed event.
Then I came across the Shrinker, a magical diet drink guaranteed (suggested, really) to help you lose weight. Broken down, the components made sense for weight loss. The Shrinker contained oolong tea. Oolong tea meant black dragon tea. Dragons breathed fire. Dragons burned shit. Oolong tea would be like a dragon frying fat cells.
Vanilla was listed as a burst of flavor, I assumed. I compared the price of real vanilla versus imitation, yikes! I supposed fake anything in the food category wasn’t good for you. An imitation mink was okay, imitation vanilla, nope.
Almond milk was a protein powerhouse. Protein helped curb hunger pangs better than donuts. Vanilla almond milk hit two ingredients at once. Failure to read the ingredients label ensured ignorance was bliss concerning imitation vanilla.
Cinnamon came in two versions too. Ceylon cinnamon was true cinnamon. Cassia cinnamon was the imitation mink version of the spice. Both types of cinnamon came from tree bark. Why stress over wood?
Stevia was real sweetener derived from a plant. Sweetened anything tasted better especially when the last ingredient was cayenne pepper.
Health benefits for cayenne pepper included migraine prevention, pain and hunger reducer. Cayenne pepper also listed metabolism booster in the plus column. Full of fat cell slashers, cayenne pepper would be like a ninja slicing away pounds. Dragons and ninjas made perfect diet sense to me.
After the first sip of the Shrinker, my mouth burned. I could breath fire like a dragon. Then numbness set in. If I tried to eat anything, I risked biting my tongue. All the spice set me off on a sneezing spell. Sneezing burned calories.
The magical diet drink might work. If not, I could rely on my friend Denise’s no fail diet plan called push yourself away from the table and go for a walk.