Heed Me Irresponsible Cat Owner

Practice equality. Leash laws for all….

Hey, irresponsible cat owner, this is Mohawk, the Australian Shepherd that lives next door. I’ve got a rawhide to pick with you. Keep Mittens in your house. She’s not welcome in my yard. Actually, most of the neighborhood doesn’t want to share your cat.

            You do realize my lady puts food in a feeder to watch the birds and not so Mittens can kill her share of 3.2 billion birds each year. Mittens and her ilk are poised to take out entire backyard ecosystems if left unchecked. Tsk, tsk, shame on you.

            Another thing, when my lady takes me for a walk, she has baggies to pick up my poop. Mittens dumps in my lady’s garden, not good or healthy. Felines are sacks of roundworms, tapeworms, Salmonellosis, Toxoplasmosis, Leptospirosis, and all manner of nasty diseases related to cat crap. Think on that when my lady offers you a bowl of the strawberry harvest.

            Also, bleach smells better than Mittens’ pee. My lady’s nose blows a gasket when your cat, not hers, may I remind you, tinkles in the flower bed next to our deck.

            Sheesh, and dogs need to be licensed and leashed. There are laws and fines for irresponsible dog owners. Where’s the equality?

            What will you do when Mittens gets knocked up by some Tom with an equally irresponsible owner? I can assure you that the neighbors do not want eight more cats in their yards. Ever hear of rabies? If Mittens runs amuck, I hardly vision her being vaccinated. Contemplate rabies and cat scratch fever the next time Mittens swats you after running who knows where with who knows what.

            Irresponsible cat owner, listen. Mittens does not need to answer any call from the wilderness. We live in the suburbs. Spay her. Buy her cat toys. Keep her inside. Cats and dogs are domesticated. You want wild, buy a cougar. If you decide to do that, move. The bullshit with Mittens is enough of a pain in the ass.

            Mittens may yowl, or whatever cats do to get their way. She’s your pet. Deal with her. You do no good unleashing Mittens’ inner beast.

            Irresponsible cat owner do not continue to put Mittens out to reek havoc on the neighborhood. For if you do, I plan to round up Rocko, the German Shepherd, Lucas the Lab, and Mona the Shih Tzu. We’ll show you what getting in touch with wild means and what a pack can do.

            Mona may not possess the stature to run far, but she is fierce. I’ve witnessed Mona rip the stuffing out of a bear. I’ve personally slain a dragon. We’ll hunt down every lawn chair cushion you own and treat them like a caribou meant to feed us.

            Be warned, I can squeak a toy for hours. I have toys that not only squeak, but also oink, sort of. This noise excites me into making my own noise which my lady keeps to herself in our dwelling. If I take to the streets with my pack, woe to quiet.

            Let me tell you, both Rocko and Lucas leave righteous piles of doo. I have smelled this from afar. In our wild state, they could put that in YOUR flower bed under an open window on a hot summer’s night.

            KEEP MITTENS INSIDE! Heed me, irresponsible cat owner, or the neighborhood may come to mirror the Alaskan wilderness as soon as someone teaches our pack to howl.

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