Minions of the world unite!

How many times have you stood at your job waiting for the boss to give you direction then when you execute their plan and things go wrong, you take the fall or deal with the fallout? If you aren’t the top dog, you, like me, are a minion.

A minion is defined as: 1) a favorite esp. one who is a servile follower: term of contempt. 2) an underling who takes abuse, with grumbling, but who doesn’t have the confidence to talk unionizing.

In Webster’s New Word Compact Desk Dictionary, minion is wedged between the words minimum and miniscule. Minimum and miniscule describe the wages and paychecks we minions bring home. This hardly makes me feel favored. Officially, we subordinates don’t carry out our leaders orders to curry favors either. I feel the need to dispel the negativity connected with being a minion.

Take a look at a few of the famous minions portrayed in media. Alpha, Beta, Gamma, and the nameless dogs of Charles Muntz, in the movie Up, had to swipe a hot dog and something to drink from a kid. And how many of the poor dogs endured the cone of shame for a minor infraction of the rules? They weren’t bad dogs, but hungry dogs who needed a job.

In Despicable Me, Gru left a laser gun within reach of children. Agnes’s stuffed unicorn became toast. Did Gru make things right? No, the minions donned mustache, diaper, and drag to replace Agnes’s beloved unicorn. Although the end result wasn’t quite fluffy, the minions did their best with what they had. And like many of us, the minions probably purchased the required garb with their own money, costumed up, and bore the stares of contempt in the name of a job, or lust if you work at a boob joint that serves food.

Max, the Grinch’s dog, not only endured a red nose and antlers tied to his head, he like many minions, worked holidays and under dire conditions for a greedy Grinch.

Max’s story ended on a positive note when the Grinch’s heart grew. Maybe Max eventually received holiday and vacation pay. We real world minions look forward to the donuts on meeting day like a dog with the occasional treat dropped from the table.

The Nazgul, who did Sauron’s bidding in the Lord of the Rings, are perhaps the most misunderstood among minions. Even though the Nazgul were dead guys, they had to mount up every time Sauron called. Can you imagine no rest even in death? Without paid sick days, I’m sure someone in management’s working on a death clause.

The Nazgul, unable to direct their wrath where it truly lies, instead became ruthless, badass henchmen who left permanent scars and chopped off the heads of those around them.

I ask did Sauron ride a Fell Beast. Was Sauron on the battlefield swinging a mace only to receive a sword in the face? You say Sauron had no bodily form. I say Sauron was hiding out, flying under the radar, so he didn’t have to pay Middle Earth taxes and employee benefits while the elves, dwarfs, hobbits, and men toiled laboriously to make their world something worth taking over.

The minions, as always, got caught in the ensuing fray because alternate employment opportunities were scarce. Think about it, who would hire an Orc to serve food? And why would he want to waitress if he made less than minimum wage and his paycheck relied on tips?

Minions of the world unite; stand tall, no matter your size, species, alive, or dead on your feet. We may be defined as servile followers and used to carry out repetitious tasks on the cheap, but we are honest, hard working good guys. Minions unite. Stand tall. Hold your heads high. Know that it’s we, the little people, who move the world.