As you wish princess…

A long time ago in a land far away, there lived a princess. The princess had a dog named Elroy. When Elroy lost a puppy tooth, the princess vowed to save the tooth forever and ever.

It was a good thing because Elroy picked up a bug that made him sick. It was unbelievable that an insect could fell a mighty beast such as Elroy, but it did. Elroy’s tooth was placed under the princess’s pillow as she mourned the loss of her furry friend.

Then one day the princess lost the tooth. The family searched high and low, but were unable to find Elroy’s tooth. The princess became extremely distraught and inconsolable. It pained the king and queen and the king’s sister, the duchess, to see the princess so upset.

The king and duchess searched among their father’s discarded dental supplies in search of a substitute tooth. Unable to find a tooth that resembled Elroy’s fang, they hatched a plan to cheer the princess.

The king and duchess would set out to find a replacement tooth. It must look canine. Obviously, they couldn’t yank a tooth from the mouth of a dog. The king and duchess decided on the next best thing, road kill. They’d search the kingdom for a dead animal and yank a fang to replace Elroy’s lost tooth.

Faced with such a daunting task, the king and duchess fortified themselves with strong drink. They gathered the tools necessary to carry out operation “Replace Elroy’s Fang.” There were pliers, surgical masks to repel the stench of rotting flesh, and rubber gloves.

Considering the thought of rabies, the king and duchess consumed another round of drinks. They called upon a trusted knight to drive the carriage and help them with their quest. Sworn to secrecy, the group headed out into the night in search of a dead animal along the side of the road.

The first animal they came upon was a squirrel. A poke with a stick and a closer examination revealed that a squirrel tooth would not do. The tooth didn’t resemble Elroy’s fang.

Coming upon an opossum, the knight pulled over. The king and duchess donned extraction apparel to yank the tooth. Before they could pull the tooth, the group saw the Sheriff of Nottingham approaching.

The knight pulled the carriage over the dead animal to hide it from view. Why? It was never explained, but he was supposed to be the sober, therefore, rationally thinking person.

The sheriff asked, “What would you folks be doing along the side of the road at two a.m. in the morning?”

The king and duchess risked arrest if the sheriff discovered strong drink upon their breath. Even though their true mission would sound ludicrous, the king opted to tell the truth anyway. The princess’s happiness was paramount.

The sheriff looked around, saw no dead animal, and didn’t believe the king.

“We pulled the carriage over the carcass.” The knight said.

The sheriff had the knight pull the carriage forward. Lo and behold, the opossum appeared bloated and stinking, feet pointed up to the starry sky.

“I’ll be!” The sheriff exclaimed. “Make it quick.”

After the extraction, the duchess proclaimed the tooth too small to pass as Elroy’s. The princess wouldn’t be fooled with an opossum tooth.

The Sheriff of Nottingham, who in this case, was a sympathetic fellow with his own princesses, directed the royal party to the carcass of a raccoon about two miles further along.

It was near morning when the exhausted group pulled the carriage up to the castle gates. The raccoon tooth had to be boiled, scraped of flesh, and disinfected before it was “found” and presented to the princess.

Exhausted, disheveled, and a bit hung over, the king and duchess finished their mission as the princess bounded out of bed.

“Look what we found.” The duchess said.

“Elroy’s tooth.” The king held the raccoon replacement fang out to the princess.

The princess looked the tooth over and said, “This isn’t Elroy’s tooth. Can we have waffles for breakfast?” She tossed the tooth into the garbage.

After breakfast and a nap, they all lived happily ever after.

Published in Funny Times-January 2019