Increase the quality for a change…

Dear Overpriced Cable Company,

            Another rate increase, really? My last raise couldn’t buy a donut at day’s end. Your rate increase is way more than my hourly wage. Honestly, it is more than my daily wage. You win. Take the cable hookup. My husband doesn’t need to watch people pawn crap, catch alligators, or view moonshiners hanging out in a sauna. The two moonshiners in a sauna made me want to tip back a jar of moonshine. I don’t normally crave anything that can be ignited with a match.

            I also experienced a sudden urge to buy a second home, and heap myself with debt for something on a lake or in the Bahamas. Water view was a must. Multiple bathrooms were important even though we’re empty nesters. The vanities weren’t going to be workable unless there were two sinks. Granite countertops, please!

            Thankfully, that moment of temporary insanity passed. I’ve questioned what else has been subliminally implanted in my brain through the stellar programming offered.

            Your reality programming is debatable. As in, are these actual human beings? Did real housewives from anywhere have time to stand around in absurd costumes and shoes with four inch heels and bitch at each other? Are there any real housewives left or are housewives really in the job force supplementing their husband’s income to pay for cable on top of all the housewifey chores?

            I contemplated the morality in offering money to people to be alone in a wilderness and the possibility of trading their life for money. The show about being afraid and without clothes is the same as the previous show, but in pairs or groups with a lot of blurry footage and more snakes.

            I’m also tired of the exorbitant fees charged to watch people play sports in general. No matter how many times I’ve watched curling, I don’t get it. What is it all about? Sweeping ice? Running on ice? Sliding dumbbells? The hokey pokey I get. Curling, nope.

            Let us not forget programming dedicated to the sport of hand fishing. You slog around in mucky waters, offer your hand to catfish, and then a carp smacks you in the face. You end up with a fish trying to suck your hand off and a black eye. Oh, what fun. Until the apocalypse, I see no need to offer myself as bait. I’m not too keen on seeing someone else sacrificing themselves to fish either.

            A cost vs. quality programming analysis put cable TV and monthly fees into perspective.

Margaritas, with a top shelf tequila, would be possible. Replacing the floors in our home, not with hardwood, but with floors that looked like hardwood is a real option with our savings.

            Monthly cable fee savings meant we’d never be naked or alone. Instead of watching golf, the husband and I could play eight nine hole rounds of golf on the local municipal course. We could golf two eighteen rounds with a cart on a nicer course if we brought our own beer.

            A beach vacation and surf fishing are another possibility with the cancellation of service. Though I might miss Shark Week, a trip to the beach can offer the possibility of an actual shark encounter. I would NOT be using my hands to catch fish or as bait. I’d be able to afford a fishing rod and hooks.

            Take the cable out. I’ll read a book and pay off the house. Maybe I’d have the opportunity to retire before I was too old to run or at least to stand on ice.

Published in Funny Times-January 2021