Lawn Balls and Ritual Sacrifice

Party on the lawn. Don’t trash the mums…

Looking around my yard, I wondered what future generations would make of it. Might archeologists ponder the rock borders as religious ceremonial enclosures? Were the dog and cat remains found under markers used as sacrifices? I’d have to say, “Gosh dudes, you’re thinking too hard.”

            If modern art stood the test of time, 30 foot spiders and 17 foot shuttlecocks could leave future generations to ponder, what in the hell? They might never guess that spiders and shuttlecocks were made as creative expressions and for a shit ton of money. More likely, we’d go down in the history books as spider worshippers and people of the shuttlecock who partook of a substance known as crack. What if we’ve been over thinking ancient civilizations and misread the intentions of the wonders they left behind? 

            Giant stones spheres in Costa Rica were found in pre-Columbian settlements of the Chibchan people. The stones are known as Las Bolas (the balls). When Spanish conquerors did what conquerors tended to do, the people disappeared as well as the purpose of the spheres. What if the sphere’s purpose was as simple as, “Check out my lawn decoration?”

            Look around. Neighborhoods sported a variety of flags, scarecrows, and snowmen. If one person placed a star on their garage soon everyone had one.

            Las Bolas, my guess is lawn balls.

            Many theories surround Stonehenge, the massive ring of standing stones. Scientists and scholars only theorized as to its purpose. Was the stone structure an astrological observatory, a Druid temple, a burial site, a place of healing, or used to unify the warring tribes of Briton?

            On a wooded lot near my home, random objects began appearing. First, a sink rested on a grassy knoll. Then a bicycle was hung in a tree. A stuffed rooster astride a yard donkey puzzled me. When waist high stacked rocks, chairs, and laundry tub appeared, I figured the patch of forest was destined for keggers.

            Imagine Druids hanging out in a field. Someone says, “I have a righteous idea, dudes. Let’s drag some big, and I mean BIG, rocks here, position them just so, and play some music. This place could be something.” Someone else replied, “Let’s do it.” After the work was done, they listened to tunes, drank mead, and got shitfaced. Never underestimate humankinds’ need for an atmospheric place to hangout.

            Stonehenge might be the first attempted Woodstock.

            Life in ancient Egypt wasn’t upward or downward mobility, but more like a person was duct taped into their position or class. If you were the son of a Pharaoh, chances were you’d have a harem, a Sphinx carved in your likeness, and a pyramid when you died. If your father was a farmer, you most likely took up the plow and hoe and had a few rocks dumped over your grave.

            All classes were believed to be buried with possessions needed in the afterlife. What if there was more to it? Imagine fifty-seven kids fighting over a parent’s possessions or one surviving kid left to deal with a kingdom’s worth of crap. “What am I going to do with all this stuff Amenhotep collected?” The poor farmer’s kid faced a life of cleaning animal poop and digging dirt. Why wouldn’t he bury the old plow and take up a brand new tool instead of a hand-me-down?

            The pyramids, were the most insane solution to inheritance issues, yard sales, and second hand junk.

            Ceremony and sacrifice seemed exciting, but the truth of my plot in paradise was practical. Borders kept the hubby from weed eating everything I planted. Enclosures also kept the neighbor’s from mowing over the mums when we gathered for the ritual known as margarita night. Rocks were also free. As for the animal sacrifices, we loved our pets and made like Egyptians with burial until 1/10th of an acre of land made us consider pet cremation.

            Let the future make up its stories. I preferred an uncomplicated life. My yard is simply defined as peace, love, and bring a covered dish.

Published in Funny Times-March 2021

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