Present time…

With endless shelves of merchandise, gift giving occasions required thought. Thoughtfulness wasn’t only centered on would the recipient like the chosen gift, but also on who would buy some of this crap.

            No one on my gift list could expect a compact power massage gun. Grasp the concept of a massage gun for a minute. The body parts that usually needed massaged were the shoulders and back. What good were five speeds and four massage heads if you couldn’t reach your arms around to pull the trigger and shoot yourself in the back?

            Likewise, I couldn’t see wasting money on a posture corrector. The easy to use, adjustable, and unisex designed corrector reminded me of a slimmed down version of a bullet proof vest. I imagined a person becoming tangled in the arm straps only to pull a muscle. Then they’d require a massage gun which they wouldn’t be able to operate on their own shoulders or back.

            I refused to wrap and give a DermaSuction to anyone. This gadget pulled dirt and oil from your skin, but gently. The DermaSuction came with four interchangeable heads. One head was for everyday use. The others were for different skin excavation needs. (I didn’t look too closely at what those suction heads were mining. Ugh.)

            What message would this gift convey to the recipient? Your face looks dirty. I bought you a vacuum.

            Of all the laziness encouraging products, consider a tablet sofa. Technology doesn’t need furniture. Hold that tablet. You’ll be thankful for the arm strength when you get old and your muscles begin to atrophy because the only physical challenge to your body was holding a tablet.

            No couple should expect the gift of A Better Marriage Blanket. The blanket is a state of the art fart absorbing sheet made with activated carbon and fabric used by the military to protect against mustard gas. Frankly, from experience, I didn’t think the blanket would work.

            Forget the purchase of a snuffle mat. A snuffle mat? I had no idea what a snuffle mat was either. A snuffle mat is a fabric mat with fabric strips. The mat could be shaped to resemble a bowl of salad or a field of flowers. A human hid pet treats in the fabric folds. Then the dog or cat searched for the treats. A snuffle mat was supposed to be the key to your pet’s happiness. I’m serious, $9.99 to $39.99.

            Veto on another stinky, drool covered piece of fabric when I could toss a treat and have the dog catch it midair. My dog’s happiness centered on her leash. Say the word “walk” and I’d get a full body wag and exercise.

            Resist temptation to grab a product from the shelf because there’s a crowd around a prominent display. Trust me. My parents’ basement overflowed with the newest gadgets claiming to be the greatest gifts designed to make life better. A shower scrubber with a rotating brush head crowded out an Easy Foot Cleaner, and many other products with the word “miracle” on the box.

            Don’t waste money or space in a landfill. We’ll need that space for all the plastic that will be on Earth for the next five hundred years.

            Time is the most meaningful gift. Don’t encourage anyone to waste time sucking gunk from their pores.

            A book is always a good gift idea. Reading is time well spent. Make it a big book. Build those muscles.