Hijinks and Horror

Vladimir sold his soul to the devil some years ago. In February, the devil promised to give it back and said, “I need a favor.”

Vlad: What do you need, “Big D?”

Devil: I want you to invade a country.

Vlad: Sure. Why?

Devil: Because I want to take over the world. You’ll be my distraction.

Vlad: Why me?

Devil: Experience, though I do forget, are you the impaler, heads on a pike guy or the matter of a peninsula in the Black Sea, that shit?

Vlad: Not the impaler, poison’s less messy. Why get my hands dirty when I can make others do my bidding?

 Devil: Minions, I’m familiar with that. (Suppresses a smirk here.) Our ambitions also align. We want what we want, even if everyone hates us for it. Haters gonna hate, right?

Vlad: Cool with that. Can I call it a special military operation instead of war? Don’t care about the haters. It’s just that keeping oppression real and knocking the balls off of my people gets tiresome. Don’t want any opposition protests, that shit. Gives people ideas, you know. I can’t have that, people with their own ideas.

Devil: Call it what you want.

Vlad: Can I spread lies to divide? Make shit up?

Devil: I’d expect it. It’s what we do, divide before we conquer. Makes things easier. I get that. It works.

Vlad: In addition to getting my soul back, can I be remembered as the holiest father prince king of the entire universe? After yours truly, of course. (wink, wink, fingers crossed behind back)

Devil: Sure, no prob. (He thinks he has a soul.)

Vlad: Thanks. (The devil thinks I won’t execute a special military operation to take over Hell.)