Hijinks and Horror

If there’s an afterlife, I have a list of things that bothered me in this life that need answers. It’s becoming a long list. My attempts to make sense of the unknown leave me with more questions.

            Did the Loch Ness Monster begin life as a baby sea creature adopted by aliens? (Aw, cute lizard.) Then the dinosaur outgrew its aquarium. Maybe, on a return trip, extraterrestrials dumped Nessie into the Loch like an alligator in a sewer. With our advanced technology, why can’t someone snap a decent photo?

            Coin-filled cans, dubbed the Saddle Ridge Hoard, were found by a California couple. When unearthed, the hoard topped ten million dollars.

            While awaiting the outcome of a claim on the treasure, “John and Mary” hid the 19th- century coins in an ice chest and buried them beneath a woodpile. “John and Mary” could’ve been lost to history, like the original owner’s identity. The hoard had another chance to repeat history. Are safety deposit boxes and banks not trustworthy?

            The Oak Island Mystery has it all: a money pit, a curse, a chance to rewrite history, and a TV show in its ninth season.

            After centuries of digging, men discovered a wealth of wood beams and a hint of treasure. Research of Oak Island indicates possible tax evasion by wealthy guys. Until proven wrong, Oak Island seems to be yesteryear’s Switzerland or the Cayman Islands. Since we know that wealth and treasure best serve to advance humanity buried under dirt and wood, does a portion of humans carry a dog gene? Or are men more like squirrels with the urge to bury nuts?

            The Easter Island heads or moai are marvels of beauty and engineering. The carved 14 to 270-ton heads were moved great distances across the island. The mystery lies in how the people transported the heads and why many statues remained in the quarry.

            Maybe, the statues represented high-ranking males. Narcissism always existed among those in power and who equated themselves with God. The heads grew, both mortal and carved.

            Chieftains demanded the impossible from the working class without compensation. A mere mortal (spoiler: we’re all mortal), fed up with the bullshit, threw down his tools and said, “I quit.” And everyone in the quarry followed him. Ruler retaliation followed. No one was left to move the remaining heads.

            Today, one can purchase the likeness of ancient chieftains to cover a box of tissues. The tissues dispense from the moai’s nose. The quest for immortality can make an ass out of you. Or your big head can be left behind to sit in a quarry. Why do men still chance self-centered immortality projects?

            Qin Shi Huang was the first emperor of a united China, an impressive feat. But he built his kingdom on espionage, bribery, and generals. Another God-like man out of touch with the common folk, Qin pursued an elixir of immortality. Scholars said, “Sorry, majesty, you’ll max out time like scholars and concubines.” Qin stoned the scholars and burned others and every book that disagreed with his philosophy.

            After thirty-five years as ruler, guess what? He died. His tomb held thousands of terracotta soldiers, horses, and chariots. Qin’s burial chamber remains an unopened mystery. Eventually, the tomb may reveal expensive tchotchkes that collect dust, but more likely poison. It is a possibility that a replica of the kingdom within the tomb contains deadly mercury in its simulated rivers.

            As for his claim of a 10,000-generation reign, rivals exterminated Qin’s entire clan less than four years after his death. Was this man’s introduction to karma?

            Enigmatic Russian rulers pose no mystery. Will tyrants never learn?

            Crop circles aren’t simple kiddies pool indentations on grass but seem to represent intricate mathematical mumbo jumbo depicted in grains. Hoaxers to stoned wallabies are explanations for the phenomenon. The most popular source of graffiti is extraterrestrials. Alien communication is beyond us. We can’t learn simple lessons from our human histories through repetition. If there are aliens, why would they want to stop here?