Hijinks and Horror

To become invisible*

You must obtain the ear of

a black cat, then boil it in the milk of

a black cow, then make a thumb

cover of it and wear it on the thumb

and no one will be able to see you

according to the “Petit Albert”

FIRST ATTEMPT AT INVISIBILITY

• The ear of a black cat

How does one obtain only an ear? Check strays: tiger stripe (not black), cream stripe (looks like he has no ears), cream and gray (the neighbor’s cat.) I don’t think she’d appreciate the de-earring of her pet.

-Substitute hair from my dog. No way I’m chopping any ears.

• Boil it in the milk of a black cow. How in the hell would I know the color of the cow my store-bought milk came from?

-Substitute almond milk

• Make a thumb cover and wear it on the thumb

-Substitute thumb ring that tends to cause irritation.

• WTF is “Petit Albert?”

Ended up with a stinky, furry mess and an itchy thumb. People can see me.

Or you can try to get a Bay Laurel leaf,

During the Saturn or Jupiter hour, on the

Night of the Full Moon, wrap it around

An Opal crystal, enchant and wear.

Unless you intentionally draw attention

You can go around unnoticed.

SECOND ATTEMPT AT INVISIBILITY

• Bay laurel leaf-check
• During Saturn or Jupiter hour on the night of a full moon, wrapped around an opal crystal, enchant, and wear

-Damn missed the full moon. Chuck the bay laurel leaf. Didn’t have an opal crystal or know any enchantments either.

Had my toenails painted different colors anyway. Not particularly inconspicuous. People can still see me.

There is a belief that Poppy seeds soaked in

Red wine for 15 days, and enchanted,

When drunk, can turn one invisible.

This “experiment” should be done

During the waning Moon phase.

THIRD ATTEMPT AT INVISIBILITY

• No poppy seeds

–Substitute flax seeds

Tastes awful in red wine. The wine did not make fifteen days. Okay, one day, to be truthful.

• Got a waning moon, yes!

Score invisibility! After two glasses of wine around the campfire (flax seeds strained out), I can’t see my husband. Maybe, he can’t see me either.

All Purpose Potion*

Hiss of black cat

1 snake ankle

4 bat wings (extra crispy)

8 eyes of black beetle

A handful of monkshood

1 magpie feather

Tincture of bat’s blood

1 drop of whale’s tinkle

Salt & pepper to taste

Combine ingredients in the order that is

Listed. Add bat’s blood by the dropper full

Until the desired consistency is reached. It

May be bottled or frozen until needed and

Makes three small spells or one big doozy.

FOR ALL THE THINGS LIFE THROWS AT YOU

• No black cat-The neighbor’s cat is friendly. Faked a hiss. (Can do a righteous witch laugh, though.)
• Snake ankle-Rattlesnake rattle. Don’t ask.
• Bats are recovering from white-nose syndrome. Substituted burnt onion rings from last night’s meal.
• Found only stink bugs.
• No monkshood-Foxglove is poisonous too. Should work.
• No magpie-Raided the hubby’s fly tying box. Think the feather is a peacock.
• Again with the bats-Sliced my thumb while pruning shrubs. Maybe someone has thought of me as batty.
• Whale tinkle-Hubby dribble will have to do.
• No fucking way I’m tasting this shit. Half a teaspoon of each.

Do NOT put the potion next to the cereal or in the refrigerator next to the coffee creamer. It’s not a good way to start the day. Ask my husband.

I’m a good witch. But I’m not good at witching.

*This disclaimer shouldn’t be necessary, but… I’m not really a witch. These are not really spells. Please do NOT try this at home. I didn’t.

* For entertainment purposes only.